


The Voicemail

by CreativelyChallenged



Category: The Newsroom (US TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-09-30 19:44:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20452559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CreativelyChallenged/pseuds/CreativelyChallenged
Summary: I was trying to come up with a more subtle title, but the opening para or so will give this away anyway - so here goes.





	1. What Now?

Mackenzie persists in keeping her glasses perched on the end of her nose, and holding a highlighter as though she's reading in. Her eyes, however, are focused squarely on the empty bullpen. She doesn't notice that her right foot is tapping ferociously until she breaks her gaze to glance at her BlackBerry. She reaches out towards it, but hesitates and moves her hand back to holding the newspaper in front of her, moving her eyes back to the bullpen.

The lure of the BlackBerry is too strong, and moments later she picks it up to dial her voicemail.

_You have one saved message._

Mackenzie hangs up again, throws her phone onto the desk, and looks back at the bullpen. It's 09:30; her staff won't start to arrive for another hour, but after waking up at 05:52, seeing the missed call and the voicemail alert and pressing play, sleep has been the last thing she can think of doing. She thought about returning the call, but she wants to be sure that she's heard it right. So she spent an hour listening to the message over and over, before clambering out of bed and showering in a daze of confusion, concern and - dare she? - nervous excitement. She barely remembers her journey to work, and rolls her eyes at the foolishness of coming in early to do nothing more than wait.

Her phone beeps, but to her instant disappointment, it's just an email from a field producer. Mackenzie hesitates as if to put the phone back down, but can't. She dials voicemail.

_You have one saved message._

_"Hey, it's me - Will. Listen, I swear I'm not saying this because I'm high, and if the answer is no then just do me a favour and don't call me back or bring it up or anything... but I have to tell you, I mean after tonight I really wanna tell you that I've never stopped loving you. You were spectacular tonight........ Can you believe we got Obama?"_

Mackenzie's disbelief is almost as palpable as on her first listening, and she shifts for a moment as though about to get up and run to Will's apartment. She drops the BlackBerry back down, and laughs at herself as she puts her hands in front of her face, thinking of her stupidity. She realises she needs a distraction, and decides a coffee run is the answer. Mackenzie moves decisively to her coat stand, and swipes her purse from her desk on her way out the door. She walks down the block to Starbucks, and decides to sit in with a strong black coffee and a copy of Cosmo she finds lying around. Much like her attempt at reading in, the contents of the pages don't seem to be going in so she finds herself flicking through distractedly. The clock behind the counter seems to tick by at half speed, so even despite her best attempt to sit still and focus, she abandons the excursion by 10:00.

To Mackenzie's relief, she finds Jim at his desk when she re-enters the bullpen. A distraction, one that will force her to think about something other than the voicemail. "Jim! Morning!" she greets him a little over-enthusiastically.

"Mac, hi. You're cheery given how late we got out of here last night," Jim replies wearily, a slight look of confusion on his face.

Mackenzie shrugs her shoulders and rolls her eyes minutely. "Well, you know..." she drifts off as she waves her venti coffee cup in front of him. "...Caffeine!"

Jim glares at Mackenzie with unbridled bewilderment. An awkward pregnant pause sits between them until Mackenzie speaks again, still with a little too much enthusiasm. "So! We'll obviously lead with the Bin Laden story at the top of the A block, but we need to think, you know, about how we're going to approach it the News Night way! Do you have any suggestions?"

"Mac, are you OK? This is getting strange now. What's going on with you?"

"Oh! Nothing, nothing at all! I guess it's just the adrenalin high mixed with the caffeine! So no, no ideas?"

"Isn't this something we should discuss with Will? I can throw in my suggestions, thou..."

"Of course we'll discuss it with Will, all I'm asking for are your suggestions!" Mackenzie is trying to be light and breezy in her tone, but it's coming off as forced and a little needy.

"OK, in that case, well, we should do a deep dive in how they found him in Abbottabad. The courier, the compound, the location, that kind of thing."

"That is a GREAT idea Jim! We should definitely do that. Can you line up an expert in surveillance who might be able to sit with Will and go through how it happened?" Mackenzie smiles her sweetest smile at Jim and flutters her eyelashes.

Jim clearly just wants to exit the conversation at all costs, and grabs his phone almost the instance Mackenzie finishes speaking, swinging his chair around towards his computer as he does so.

Mackenzie stands next to him for a second or two more, but realises this will serve no purpose, except that she's angled herself such that she can see Will's office from where she's standing, propped against Jim's desk with one hand, and with the other on her hip. She swipes her cup from Jim's desk, lifts herself upright, and meekly walks back to her office.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

The minutes to 11:00 drift by slowly, as Mackenzie watches everyone drift into the bullpen, except Will. She reluctantly gets up to head to the rundown meeting, surprised to see Charlie on his way to the conference room to join in.

As they walk in alongside each other, Mackenzie realises she can't focus enough to run the meeting, not without speaking to Will. She looks at her phone and starts to tap out a text message to him - are you on your way to the rundown? - but thinks better of it and deletes it. Their first interaction can't be a text asking about a meeting.

"Alright everyone! Big day, I know!" The overly enthusiastic and cheery tone is back. "Jim has a great idea for tonight's show, so I'm going to leave Jim to run this meeting, and I'll join in with Will at 2pm, OK? Great!"

Charlie's eyebrows arch as Mackenzie gathers her belongings after this statement, and bursts out of the conference room and makes a beeline for Will's still empty office.

Mackenzie sits in one of the visitor's chairs for a few seconds, but can't stay still and gets up to sit in Will's chair. She lifts her feet up on the desk but the tapping of her right foot annoys her in her line of site, so she moves back to another visitor's chair. She sits, biting at her left thumbnail and stares at the door, right foot tapping the entire time. She can see the rundown meeting going on, and the odd perplexed glance in her direction, but she can't move.

A few minutes later, she sees him burst into the office and head towards her. He's in standard issue attire - dark jeans, pale blue shirt (top button undone), tan jacket, beaten up brown satchel in hand. She stands almost as if to attention, and he spots her, instinctively taking a half step back as he does so. He hesitates for a moment, before picking up his sure stride, and heads into his office.

The look at each other, her with a searching, wide-eyed gaze, him with a look almost of surrender but otherwise as neutral as he can possibly arrange his features to be, for some time. At first, Mackenzie opens her mouth to say something, but no words leave and she snaps it back shut. Will follows suit with the same attempt at speech.

Another minute or so passes by, and Mackenzie, unable to stay silent anymore, lifts her phone in front of her, and gently waves it across her. "Did you mean it?"

Will, still unsure of himself, drops his bag on his desk without breaking eye contact. Mackenzie, unsure of what else to do, dials something on her phone, puts it to her ear, presses a button and presses another before she puts the phone down on the desk, and the familiar sound comes from the speaker.

_You have one saved message._

_"Hey, it's me -_

Will snaps up the phone and hangs up. "Of course I meant it. What on Earth would make you think I didn't?" His tone is a little annoyed, a little disappointed, a little embarrassed.

Mackenzie can feel the pin prick of tears welling up. She tilts her head to one side and tries to blink them away. Will's gaze becomes increasingly piercing, and she's too unsure of herself to respond immediately.

As Will's expression moves from the mixture of irritation and embarrassment to hurt, Mackenzie straightens herself. "Nothing, Will," (she's trying to sound confident), "But I'm almost scared to believe it's true. After all these months of punishing me, and all these years of guilt, this was like a bolt from the blue. I've had to listen to it a hundred times just to make sure I've not imagined it." Mackenzie's voice softens, her tone more unsure, as she speaks.

"Mackenzie, I really don't think this is the right place to have this conversation, and I don't know that it's the right time, either. Just know this - yes, I meant what I said. We'll talk later. I'm sorry, that's all I can say right now. I wasn't thinking past telling you, so I need some time and I was not prepared to have this conversation in this office. Can you give me that?" Will speaks softly, almost with sympathy in his voice, but it doesn't entirely conceal his non-plussed state of mind.

Mackenzie looks down at her feet, feeling the adrenaline seeping out of her. Her shoulders hunch over just a little. She lifts up the toe of her left shoe, and spins her foot around on her heel, biting her bottom lip. She can't work out if it's to stop herself from crying.

Will walks over to her, placing a tender hand on each shoulder. "Mac, it's all OK. Let's just... let's talk later, OK?"

Mackenzie looks up to see Will's intense glare, one that isn't entirely full of love, but not one that's devoid of it either. She places one hand on top of Will's. "Will? I've never stopped loving you, either."

Despite herself, she emits a small giggle. "Don't think I ever will, truth be told. We'll talk when you're ready. Anytime - day or night, I mean it." As she finishes, she taps lightly on Will's hand to signal her release, and leaves his office without another word.


	2. Forgiveness

Mackenzie sinks into her chair, feeling deflated. If she'd known Will would hold back, she would have jumped in a cab at 6am to his apartment, to have the conversation they needed to have - need to have - there and then. Unable to focus, Mackenzie decides to get some fresh air, and for the second time today, wafts out of the office and through the bullpen. The rundown meeting is still going on, but only Maggie notices her departure.

Will, from his office, sees her leave through a cloud of cigarette smoke. He looks pensive, and it's clear he knows he handled the conversation with Mackenzie badly. He taps his fingers on his desk with his free hand, whilst ferociously taking drags on his cigarette and intermittently flicking off the ash with more aggression than is strictly necessary. He sits forward in his chair as he takes his last drag, and mutters a 'fuck it' to himself as he stubs it out, before heading out.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Will runs across the street to Bryant Park, phone in hand trying to call Mackenzie, but it goes through to voicemail. He tries again, whilst frantically wandering around the edge of the park, silently cursing the number of people he has to try and squeeze past whilst maintaining his affable persona. His phone starts ringing, but it's Lonny, who was sitting post outside the AWM building and knows he's on the loose. Will is almost entirely on the opposite side of the park before he spots Mac sitting at a small bistro table, drinking what looks to be an iced tea. 

"Mac!" he exclaims.

Mac turns to face him with wide eyed wonder. "Will, what the hell are you doing here? Where's Lonny? You should be preparing for tonight's show."

"Mac, stop," Will replies with a determined hand gesture, as he sits next to her. "I don't give a shit about tonight's show. The only... the _only_ thing I give a shit about right now, is how much of a jackass I was upstairs. Wait, no, I wasn't a jackass, exactly. I was just - I froze. I left that message when I was high and when I wasn't thinking about the practicality of the situation. Of the position I'd put you in, of the position I'd put myself in, and all on a whim." Will pauses to raise his hands in the air and give a brief laugh. He's still half smiling when he continues. "A year, you've been back, three years before that, you were away, and I successfully kept my walls up through everything - through Scotch, anti depressants, breakdowns, hospital stays, dates, Wade fucking Campbell, and I confess my feelings when I'm high! On a whim!"

Mackenzie doesn't know how to react, and simply stares at Will in confusion.

He doesn't need encouragement to speak further, and his face gets serious before he continues. "Mac, it's true. I meant it when I said it last night, I meant it when I said it this morning. I've never stopped loving you. But..."

A look of realisation dawns on Mackenzie's face, and she utters quietly, "But you can't forgive me."

Will simply looks down, giving a small shrug of his shoulders.

Mackenzie leans back slightly, nodding her head as she clenches her hands over her crossed knee. "Got it. Well, that's fair. So nothing's changed, really, has it? I am still in purgatory, and you'll put your walls back up just as soon as you possibly can."

Will's head darts back up and he looks Mackenzie straight in the eyes. He reaches a hand over hers. "Mackenzie, no. Of course things have changed. Even if I wanted to punish you, you don't deserve it. I can't do it to you anymore. But you're right, I am struggling with the forgiveness part. Intellectually I know that you deserve it, but I haven't - in the last four years - been able to bring myself to forgive you. When I could pretend that I didn't still love you, I thought it didn't matter because eventually I'd force the love away. Then I told you, and I realised that my forcing the love away just isn't going to work. if it hasn't worked so far, and if less than 12 hours ago I felt compelled to tell you that I've never stopped loving you, I think this calls for a different tack."

Mackenzie grimaces with confusion at Will. "What do you mean, Will? What are you saying?"

Will shrugs his shoulders again and tilts his head to the side, pursing his lips. "I don't know, but I'm going to see Habib to try and start to figure it. Let's try a drink on Wednesday evening? Not at Hang Chew's with the staff, but a real drink. Somewhere quiet, that we can talk."

Mackenzie looks hopefully at him. "Do you mean like a date?"

"Let's stick with calling it drinks for now. I need to work through this. I know you were surprised by the voicemail, Mackenzie, but I'm not far behind you on the surprised front. I know you probably don't want to hear that, but it's true. Let me speak with Habib, and see how we go from there. Does that sound OK to you?"

Mackenzie is a little downcast, but nods minutely. "A drink sounds great, Will. It's a start. And all I can say is, if you can find your way to forgive me, I promise - with all of my heart - that I will never hurt you again."

"I believe you, Mackenzie. I really do. Just give me..."

"Time, I know."

"Best I can offer right now."

A pregnant pause sits between them for a few moments, whilst each of them look out to the buzz around them. They barely notice that Will's hand is still grasping Mackenzie's. Will is the first to move, as he stands suddenly, removing his hand as he does so. He reaches it out to Mackenzie, unexpectedly to both of them. "So, should we head back to work? I've felt my phone buzz in my pocket probably fifty times, and if it wasn't Lonny, you can guarantee it was Charlie. We've got a big show to do, Mac, so let's try and focus on tonight and take each day as it comes."

Mackenzie smiles at Will and stands up, taking his proffered hand as she does so. They wander back into the AWM building hand in hand.


	3. Dating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some of this you will recognize from The Blackout II and yes my changing around of words is deliberate.
> 
> I also realized I've swung this from being a narration with Mac at the center to being one at the moment with Will there, but I think I'm going to swing it back and forth. I try and write very visually, so it's like - well, who would be in this 'scene' as opposed to in a traditional story where I'd be thinking about the central protagonist.

Jack Habib can't hide his surprise at seeing Will waiting for his appointment. "Will, you're back already. I didn't expect to see you so soon, and I hope you're not here just for another sleeping pill?"

Will fidgets a little in his chair before standing and approaching Habib. "I'm most certainly not here for another sleeping pill, though I wish I was. Shall we begin?"

Habib stands aside and gestures Will into the room. They have barely sat down before Will speaks. "I left a voicemail for Mackenzie when I was high and told her I loved her. Actually I told her I've never stopped loving her."

"OK."

"OK? That's all you've got to say? OK? I'm paying $250 for OK?"

Jack doesn't react except with a slow blink.

"You're not going to ask me why I did it? Or how she reacted? Or what I'm going to do about it?"

"Well, I can answer the third question, because you're here, so that's what you're doing about it. As for the other two, if those are the things you want to tell me, you'll tell me. So why did you leave the voicemail?" Habib's tone is calm and reassuring.

Will leans back and says nothing for a few moments, gathering his thoughts. "I did it because I was high."

"Do you really want to spend this session being facetious, Will?"

"I'm not being facetious, I'm being serious. You don't think that having not said anything for four years, I would have done it for any other reason?"

"I think your getting high is the excuse you need to have told Mackenzie what you've been hiding for a long time, but it's not the reason you did it. So, you wanna at least start by how this happened?"

Will looks away for a moment, contemplating how honest he'll be. "The night of the Bin Laden broadcast, I was high - we were having a News Night party and one of the staff brought me some cookies to - you know - and then we got the email and I was gonna have to be on air. My first time behind an anchor desk was on 9/11. You can't imagine how important the Bin Laden story was to me, so there was no way I wasn't going to report it. I'd told Mac I was high and truth be told the broadcast only went as well as it did because she did exactly the right thing at every turn, and ran the broadcast so well that I could do about the only thing my brain could do, which was say words into the camera." 

Will pauses momentarily to see if Habib is inclined to speak. Habib says nothing, and gestures for him to continue.

"So, it gets to the end of the broadcast, and we've been on the air for god knows how long and I've got the adrenaline pumping through my veins and Mac's just pulled it off, and we all go home, and I can't get it out of my mind. I mean, Mac's been my EP for a lot of broadcasts, but that night was something else. And I lay on my couch with a Scotch, and I picked up my phone to call her. I just needed her to know. In that moment, I needed to make sure she knew."

"Because you had courage you haven't had in the last four years?"

"What do you mean courage? You think it was courage that drove me to call Mackenzie at 4am and leave her that voicemail, not marijuana?"

"I think it was, yes. You've been holding your hand over the candle for so long, protecting yourself, because you were betrayed by Mackenzie when she cheated on you. By telling her how you feel, you're opening yourself up to rejection, and to actually dealing with that betrayal. So yes, it took courage."

Will looks at Habib, unsure what to say, so Habib continues. "Do you want to tell me how Mackenzie reacted?"

"Not really."

"OK, so will you? I can't imagine you're here just to work out why you decided to call her; she must have had a pretty big response."

"Yes. She told me she loves me. That she's never stopped and doesn't think she ever will."

"And what did you say?"

"I didn't really need to say anything. She realized that I haven't forgiven her, so I told her I'm trying and I told her I'd be here this morning and we're going for a drink this evening. Alone."

"A date?"

"Absolutely not a date. I am not ready for a date. It's just a drink."

"Will, if you're here for the answer of how you forgive Mackenzie, I'm not going to be able to help you. You have to do it yourself."

"I actually know that. Intellectually, in my brain, I know Mackenzie deserves to be forgiven. I understand mistakes, I understand time has passed, I understand she's completely devoted to the show, I understand she's taken every punishment I've given her, I understand all of that. So why can't I forgive her?"

"Are sure you haven't? Are you sure you haven't worked so hard at telling yourself you haven't forgiven her that it didn't happen long ago?"

Will stands up, eyebrows raised in surprise. He paces the room before coming to a lean against the bookshelf. His expression changes to disbelief. "That's ridiculous! Do you really think I would have had women showing up for dates in the newsroom, had a ring bought from Tiffany if I had? Do you think I wouldn't know?"

"I don't know Will, that's why I asked the question."

Will looks widely at Habib for some time. Suddenly, a propos of nothing, he decides to blurt out, "I didn't return the ring."

It's Habib's turn to be surprised, though he says nothing.

"I can't get the image out of my head of Mackenzie with Brian fucking Brenner. If I'd forgiven her, it'd be gone, right?"

"Not necessarily, but the image and why it's stuck in your head is something we can discuss. It's stuck in your head because it's symbolic of Mackenzie's betrayal. Your childhood has made you 1,000 times more sensitive to betrayal than most people. The image is fear, Will, it's not a sign that you've not forgiven Mackenzie."

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Terry Smith is coming up next with The Capitol Report. I'm Will McAvoy, thank you for watching us. Goodnight."

"And we're out."

Will races out of the anchor chair and back to his office to change. All the conversation of the last two days between him and Mac has been strictly work related, with a slightly awkward air of forced politeness. He's been counting down the minutes to the end of the show, so they can escape and have a conversation.

Will's phone beeps.

_I don't think it's a good idea for people to see us leave together, so I'll head out now. Where should I meet you? M_

_Mac, we are not teenagers, nor are the staff. We can leave together. I'll be ready in 5. I'll come get you from your office. W_

Mackenzie sees the message and goes to reply, but thinks better of it. She can't think of anything to do but stare idly into the middle distance, disguising it as intently looking at her monitor.

Right on schedule, Will pushes open the door and leans in. "You ready to go? We'll go to the NoMad. Car's waiting." He seems impatient, like he cannot wait to get out of the building.

Mackenzie doesn't say anything but quickly jumps to her feet and grabs her purse and jacket before following Will out of the door. The walk to the elevator is silent. The elevator ride is silent, neither of them looking at each other the entire ride down. Lonny greets them in the lobby. "McAvoy, where are we headed?"

"Hi Lonny. Broadway and 28th, please. Mac's coming."

If Lonny has a reaction, he disguises it. He walks them through the lobby to the SUV, opening the door first for Mac and then behind him for Will.

In the car, Mackenzie looks at Will sheepishly, and gives him a small smile before turning to look out of the window.

"Good show," Will suddenly says.

"I didn't like the Ai Wei Wei package," Mac replies, feeling a little more relaxed talking about work.

"You can't imagine how little attention I paid to the Ai Wei Wei package. It's some animal heads."

"Whatever you think of his art, which by the way I have every intention of going to see, it's noteworthy that he's been detained in China."

Mackenzie can feel herself relaxing with each sentence.

"Yes, of course Mackenzie. I did sign off on its inclusion, I'm not a completely ignorant country bumpkin." Will's tone is impatient. He softens as he continues. "You want to go and see the animal heads? OK, let's go and see the animal heads. We can play hooky for a couple of hours on Friday. Maybe we can grab pizza at that place in the Plaza."

Mac can't help but smile, and a wave of optimism comes over her, replacing a little her nervousness. "Sounds good, if you can bear it."

The rest of the journey continues in silence, broken only by Lonny's pronouncement. "We're here. I'll go with you to the door, and leave you to it. When you're ready to go, call me I'll be here within 10 minutes."

The three of them make the short walk to the door, before Lonny gives a curt, "Bye," and turns back. Will reaches across to Mackenzie tentatively, and takes her hand as they walk in.

The host directs them to their booth, and a young male server arrives promptly. Both Mackenzie and Will are anxious, and fidgety. They can scarcely look at each other.

"What can I get for you to drink?"

Will tentatively looks at Mackenzie. "Mac? Go ahead, order."

Mackenzie feels more comfortable looking at the server than at Will. "I'd like a red Burgundy please; whichever the sommelier recommends."

"Absolutely, ma'am. And for you, Mr McAvoy?"

"Lagavulin 16 year. Neat. Thanks."

"No worries at all, I will get those right over to you."

The server's departure has been replaced by a new flurry of nervous energy. Will and Mac make half smiles and half eye contact at each other across the table.

"Mac, this is crazy. Why are we behaving like nervous strangers who don't know what to say to each other?"

"Well, I actually am nervous and I actually don't know what to say," is all Mackenzie can come up with in response.

"D'you wanna ask me how it went with Habib?"

"Do.... you want me to ask how it went with Habib?"

Will looks intensely at Mackenzie whilst he contemplates his response. The moment is broken by the arrival of the server with the drinks.

"Here we are, Scotch and Pinot Noir," he says, putting down each drink to a cursory 'thank you' from both Mac and Will, though neither of them look away from each other.

"You should feel free to ask me how it went with Habib, since that is why we are here," Will says after the server leaves.

"OK. How did it go with Habib?"

"He asked whether I'd forgiven you and hadn't realised it."

"He did?! What do you think about that?"

"I don't know. I'm thinking about it. He says I'm confusing fear with forgiveness, and that I need to work on my fear of betrayal, instead of whether or not I have forgiven you."

"Will..." Mackenzie starts to say.

"Mac, you don't need to say it. I already know you're going to promise never to hurt me or betray me. I just... I have to work out if I can believe it."

Mackenzie leans back in the booth and takes a sip of wine, eyes downcast.

Will looks at Mackenzie with an almost sorrowful expression. "Mackenzie, I am trying. I really am. And I'm trying to be honest with you about what I'm going through. I really want to see if we can work through this. Me and you. Separately and together. But it is going to take time. And I don't know how much. This is all so new, and unexpected. I don't want to string you along, I don't want to give you false hope. I just want to... see."

Mackenzie looks up at Will and nods slowly. "Will, I understand, I really do. You know, I actually have something I want to say to you. And it's not my oft repeated promise. I wish I hadn't ever gotten involved with Wade. I wish even more, that I hadn't said I wasn't keeping myself in jail anymore. It wasn't true. I was just trying to move on. I was so stupid. And I was an idiot for ever letting him show up in the office. God. Why? Why do I keep hurting you? And then when the TMI story about his congress run came out! And announced on ACN Morning! I felt so awful, and I can't understand why you weren't mad at me. Maybe.... maybe I don't deserve you."

Will leans forward and takes hold of Mackenzie's hand. "Mac, no, don't say that. You didn't use me. You didn't make that asshole talk about it on ACN Morning. You didn't do anything wrong. I had spent three and a half years making sure you knew that you meant nothing to me, of course you you shouldn't feel bad about dating the guy."

Mackenzie gives a small, submissive smile.

"Hey, you wanna move up? I'm gonna squeeze in next to you," Will suddenly says before immediately standing to move around.

Mackenzie shuffles her way further into the booth, and Will joins her. He takes hold of her hand again and they turn to face each other. They sit silently for a while, smiling tentatively.

Mackenzie breaks the silence. "Will?" she enquires.

"Yeah?"

"Do you think you can? Forgive me, or get over your fear, or... you know... believe me? Is there anything I can say or do?"

Will shakes his head minutely, maintaining his small smile. "I think knowing you love me is enough right now."

He leans toward Mac, moving very slowly. She closes her eyes in anticipation, and a moment later, she feels Will's lips meet hers for a soft, tender kiss. It lasts just a few seconds before he breaks away and sits back.

"I love you Will. With all my heart. So, what do we do now?"

"Well, I think drinks is going well and we have a lunch date on Friday already, so how about we... well, date? I'll remind you just how great a date I am, and we can take it slow."

"I don't need reminding, Will, I remember exactly how great a date you are. Slow dating sounds perfect."

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mackenzie returns from the restroom as Will is throwing down cash on the check and he's extricating himself from the booth. "Lonny will be here in a minute, jackets are on the way."

Mackenzie feels a tap on her shoulder and it's the host holding out her jacket for her. She puts it on and they make to leave. Will takes her hand more confidently this time, and they head outside to wait for Lonny, who pulls up almost immediately. "Let me give you a ride home?"

"No Will, I'll grab a cab. I live the opposite way." Mackenzie's tone is determined enough that Will knows not to push.

"Well, then I'll stay with you until you get a taxi."

They stand, hands held, on the street waiting in silence. A car approaches, and Mackenzie gives a practiced wave to hail it down. As the taxi pulls up, Will turns Mac around to face him. He brings her toward him and gives her a long, slow kiss. As they pull away, he whispers a simple. "I love you."

Will reaches past Mac to open the cab door.

Mackenzie rests her hands on his chest and smiles her reply. "I love you too." She brings herself up and gives Will a kiss on the cheek. She turns, and gets into the cab, smiling at Will as she does so. Will closes the door and waves off the cab, looking at it until it's out of sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know The NoMad didn't open until 2012, but it's the kind of venue I was picturing, in the right location, so pretend it was opened in say 2010 or something please. Just for this.


	4. Awkwardness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OK, I gotta be honest here and say I'm making this up as I go along, so haven't decided quite where I'm going. I'm literally approaching each chapter with a thought process of, 'Hmmm, OK, these two characters in this scenario, how can I see them behaving that's true to how I perceive each of them to be?' whilst also trying to drive forward some kind of narrative thread.
> 
> I would make one general comment about where I think they're at. Will has let the cat out of the bag in telling Mac he loves her, and yet it's not all roses and joy because of this forgiveness issue. So really, all they have at the moment is the love, and that's why I'm relying on it quite heavily. Basically I see it as a thing where if Will has to try a different approach to dealing with his feelings for Mackenzie, instead of flat out denying he is in love with her, he really needs to lean in to it. That's why I let him say it quite a lot, and why I make sure Mac says it back. If you're hurt and scared, you need reassurance. The declarations of love are the reassurances, and probably for both of them.
> 
> I'm throwing this back to Mac now, because she must be going CRAZY inside!!!

Mac wakes early on Friday, and finds herself with butterflies in her stomach as she wanders around her apartment getting ready. She spends just a little longer on each of her rituals than usual, and looks at the contents of her closet intently, trying to decide what to wear for her date with Will.

"I can't believe I'm like this about a lunch date with Will," she mutters to herself. She reaches into her closet to grab a dark green dress she's not gotten around to wearing yet, but that she knows works on her. She puts it on and proceeds to agonise over her every accessory, staring into her jewelry box as though her life depends on it, and spending longer than usual applying her eye shadow and mascara. She briefly glances at her red lipstick, but decides this is a step too far for a Friday lunch date, and leaves it alone as she heads to the door and steps into her trusty black Louboutins.

\----------------------------------

Yesterday in the office was fine. Nice, in fact. Mac hadn't seen Will until the rundown, and she walked in to find him already in his seat at the head of the table. He had given her a soft smile; a fleeting moment between the two of them that nobody else would have recognized as being anything more than collegial. When Will had gone to her office to ask who was working on the Iraqi car bomb story, he'd entered her office and closed the door behind him.

"Hi," he'd said with a smile.

Mac had looked up, smiled in return and simply replied, "Hi."

They'd allowed a pregnant pause to fill the air. Will had glanced down briefly at his feet. Mac had leant back in her chair, taking him in.

"How are you today?" he'd said.

"Better than I've been in a long time," she'd said.

"Hmm," he'd replied. "Me too, I think."

"Yeah?" she'd said. "Any... particular reason?" She'd grinned as she spoke.

"Went on an.... interesting date yesterday," he'd said.

"A date?!" she'd said, with faux surprise. "I thought you'd said it was just drinks?"

"Well, I thought it was," he'd smirked as he replied. "But it went so well, I think it might have actually been a first date."

Mac hadn't known how to respond to that. She didn't want to push it, but she didn't want to break the flirtation of the moment, either. She laughed bashfully and started to pay grave attention to her pen.

Will had recognized this, and knew to move on. "And we've already booked our second for tomorrow; she wants to see some Chinese artist next to Central Park so I thought it'd be the gentlemanly thing to do to take her, even though I can't stand that kind of elitist nonsense."

Mac had risen to playfulness again. "Such a sacrifice for this Nebraska farm boy! She must be worth it?"

"Oh, I'm pretty sure she is." Will had paused, looking meaningfully at Mackenzie. "Anyway, I didn't come in here to bore you with the details of my dating life." He'd raised an eyebrow at that. "I just wanted to check in on the car bomb story; who's running it?"

"Tamara, but you're not going to give her a hard time, are you?" Mackenzie was suddenly the epitome of professionalism.

Will had adjusted accordingly. "Mac, no, of course not. Just want to see she's on the right track. Call it guidance; does that make you feel better?"

"Will, I don't need to be made to feel better, I was jesting, OK? Any chance we can work a way to being something between ultra professional and stilted and mildly flirtatious? Being at work is going to get really hard going if we don't."

Will had felt his shoulders fall slightly. He'd chuckled mildly. "We'll work it out, Mac. For now, is it weird to say I'm kind of enjoying the pendulum swing?"

Mac had laughed despite herself. "Yes, it's weird. But if you're OK with it, I guess I'll go along with it."

\--------------------------------

Mac walks into her office to find a bouquet of flowers on her desk. She smirks as she wanders over to pull out the card.

_I hope you find these flowers to be sufficiently professional and stilted. Meet you in the lobby at 12:30. I'll try to be flirtatious._

She chuckles as she sits down at her computer, and grabs the pile of papers from the side so she can read in. She's absorbed by the news articles before her for some time before her office door opens, and she looks up to find Jim in front of her.

"Mac, hi. I know it's early, but I wanted to pitch something to you..." Jim is suddenly distracted by the flowers on Mac's desk. He tries to peer at the card. Mac notices and swipes the card away, and into her drawer.

"Yes? What is it you wanted to pitch?"

Jim meekly points to the flowers but says nothing.

"Nothing, Jim. They're just flowers. Pretend they're not there."

"Mac, it's kind of difficult to pretend they're not there when they're... I mean, they're right there."

"OK, but whatever question you're going to want to ask, you'll get a no comment in response, so do you really want to waste your time?"

Jim takes a big sigh. "No,I guess not."

Mackenzie does her broadest, fakest smile. "Great! Now, what were you pitching me?"

"What?" Jim finally looks from the flowers back to Mackenzie, a confused expression passing his face. "Oh, yeah. Nikita Tikhonov's sentencing. I think we should run it in the C or D block and really want I want is a couple of minutes to cover their group - Russky Obraz."

"Yes Jim, familiar with it. Prep it for the 11:00 and see what Will says. I'm in if he is."

Jim creases his eyebrows. "Huh? You're not going to decide for him one way or another?"

"What?! When do I do that? No, I'm saying I'm in, but he'll need to make the final decision, so prep it and run it by him."

"Mac, seriously. When have you ever done that before? If I pitch something, you tell me whether it's in or not and tell Will that it is. Why this sudden concern with his approval?"

Mackenzie blinks at Jim with raised eyebrows. "Is that how it seems? Hmm, then I need to work on my manner. Of course Will approves the stories; he's the managing editor." Mackenzie does not want to continue this exchange. "Anything else?"

Jim shoves his hands into his pockets. "No, I guess not."

"Great! See you at the rundown."

Jim makes to leave and the door is still swinging shut as Mackenzie picks up her phone and dials Will.

"I'll be there in 15 minutes, can it wait?" His tone is relaxed, even cheerful.

"Do you think I tell you what stories are included in the show, or do I run them past you for approval?" Mackenzie's tone is a mix of panic and confusion.

Will's manner adjusts at this question. He sits up a little straighter in the seat of the car. "Why do you ask? Has somebody said something?"

"No. Well, yes. Jim pitched me a story and when I said he needed to run ot past you at 11:00, he wondered why. So now I'm wondering if I'm giving something away to the staff by changing something that alerts them to..."

"Us?" Will finishes with a smile, and a light tone.

"Well, yes, I guess us."

"Look, Mac, don't over think it. At this point, the staff have seen every kind of interaction possible between us. When we get to the rundown, you say to me, in front of Jim, that there's a story we're putting in the show and have Jim say it. I'll just shrug and say OK and Jim will be none the wiser." Will's voice is reassuring.

Mackenzie physically relaxes at this, and grins despite herself.

"Was that all?" Will continues.

Out of the corner of her eye, Max spots the flowers anew. She throws her hand up to cover her mouth. "Shit! No, of course not. I got the flowers. I love the flowers. And yes they were sufficiently professional and stilted. Thank you, Will"

"You're welcome, Mackenzie. And I'll see you soon." 

With that, Will hangs up. Mackenzie looks at the flowers, trying to suppress the butterflies in her stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, this has ended up being a filler chapter. I wanted to get something up today but now I'm super tired and it's only Monday. Hope you enjoy this - I'll get them to the park next chapter!


	5. A Walk in the Park

Mackenzie's phone beeps.

_Do not even think about bringing your phone. W_

Mackenzie laughs as she drops her phone onto her desk, and starts to gather her belongings. She sees Will head out in the corner of her eye, and slows her pace. Jim suddenly appears before her.

"Mac, can we go through the graphics for the Syria package?"

"Yeah, it'll have to be later, I'm headed out."

"Sure - when will you be back?" Jim tries to hide the curiosity from her tone.

"Later. You can run the 2 o'clock," Mac faintly smiles as she replies, and tilts her head to the side. Jim knows this means further questions are unwelcome and shrugs his acquiescence. "Anything else?" Mac continues.

Jim holds up his hands in surrender. "Nope, I guess I'll... see you later."

Mac goes to leave, but is stopped by Jim. "Wait, you forgot your phone," he says as he picks it up and hands it to her. 

She grimaces as she smiles, and takes hold of it. "Thanks." They stand in awkward silence for a while, Mackenzie staring at her shoes, before she suddenly turns to leave with a mere, "Bye."

\------------------------------------

Will greets her in the lobby. "You sure like to keep a guy waiting," he smiles.

"Jim accosted me as I was on my way out the door, I'm sorry. He also spotted my phone, so..." she holds it up and theatrically powers it down. "It's here but it's off. And will remain so."

They clear through the lobby, and Will opens the door, gesturing her through to the waiting SUV outside.

\-------------------------------------

Will and Mac wander silently around the Pulitzer fountain, hands held. "Look, there's ours," Mackenzie points out to the dog and the pig at the end of the display.

"How and, more importantly, why do you know what your Chinese astrology sign is?" he asks, eyebrows raised.

"Because, doesn't everybody?"

"Absolutely not - I have spent my whole life making sure I don't know. Which am I?"

Mac giggles. "The pig, Will. Last in the race, and a pig."

Will turns to look more carefully at the sculpture. "It looks like it's going to eat me. What's the appeal of this thing anyway?"

"Will, you philistine, you don't think they're interesting, if not beautiful? They're incredible works of art!"

"Yes but the dog looks kind of cute and fluffy so of course you think that."

Mac smirks and shrugs her shoulders. They carry on wandering in silence, Mackenzie taking the art, Will people watching.

"So, Habib said something interesting on Wednesday."

Mackenzie stops suddenly, and turns to Will. "Oh?"

"He said that I need to talk to you about... you know. That if I try and move past it without discussing it, we will live with an elephant in the room."

Mackenzie looks away into the middle distance, unsure of what to say. "What is there to say that I haven't already said? Well, I suppose I said it in emails you didn't read."

"I read them," Will says quietly, almost in a whisper.

Mackenzie stares at Will agog. "You did?! Why did you tell me you didn't?!"

Will scoffs. "Really?" he exclaims. "You think you don't already know the answer?"

"Yes, sorry, it's part of my punishment. What an idiot to have forgotten."

Mackenzie pulls her hand away from Will's and folds her arms in front of her. Will responds by placing his hands on his hips. They glare at each other, until Will drops his hands and relaxes his shoulders slightly. "Let's go - I really don't want to be on Page Six and we're in the middle of Manhattan."

Mackenzie can't help herself. "Yes! Of course! What is Will McAvoy without his public image!" As she finishes, she brings her hand to cover her mouth in shock at what she's said.

Will turns on his heel and walks back towards the car without saying a word. Mackenzie jogs to catch up with him. "Will, I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that. I'm an idiot. I'm so sorry."

Will simply moves his eyes to glance at her. "Not here," he says in a low tone. It betrays his anger.

They march towards the SUV, and Will opens the door, gesturing for Mackenzie to get in the back. He slams it shut with more force than he intended, but gets into the front seat instead of next to her. With Lonny driving, they try and keep the tension out of the air, failing miserably. Lonny's jaw sets just a little harder.

"My apartment," Will simply says when asked where they're headed.

The drive is in uncomfortable silence.

\-----------------------------------------

As Will and Mac exit the elevator into Will's apartment, Mackenzie can't help but ask, "What are we doing here, Will? We have to get back to the office."

He looks at her and pulls his BlackBerry from his pocket, saying nothing. He dials a number. "Jim, you need to get Sloan to cover tonight's broadcast and you're running the show. Mac and I will see you Monday," he says and immediately hangs up. He looks at Mackenzie. "Now we don't."

His manner isn't threatening, but Mac feels uneasy, and Will's expression is tense but otherwise indiscernible. Will storms towards the kitchen. "Drink?" he shoots towards Mackenzie, as he grabs a beer out of the fridge.

Mackenzie shakes her head with a quiet, "No thanks."

Will disappears off to the bedroom, and re-appears a moment later with a laptop in his hand, and glances in Mac's direction as he heads to the balcony. "Coming?"

Mackenzie, unsure what else she should do, follows him outside.

They both sit, and Will lights a cigarette before opening the computer. She sees him tapping a few keys, but doesn't realise she's holding her breath.

Suddenly Will breaks the silence, speaking as he stares intently at his computer screen. "Habib says I've been holding my hand over the candle? Well fuck it, this is anything but. Do you want to read them, or shall I?"

Mackenzie raises her eyebrows in query.

"Your emails."

"Will, why? What good will it do?"

"I don't mean the ones from when we broke up. I mean the ones you sent me when you were..."

Mackenzie jumps up and grabs Will's computer in a flash. She glares at the screen in front of her, and sees the folder marked clearly. "Mackenzie 2005." She scans her eyes across to the right and sees the list of email subject lines. 'RE: I miss you'... 'Can't wait for this weekend'... 'RE: You looked beautiful'... 'RE: Vacation cottage'...

Mackenzie tries to ignore the tears spiking in her eyes, but fails. She lets out a sob, which releases a flood of tears.

Will looks at Mackenzie with an expression of disappointment. He looks crestfallen, and reaches over to grab the laptop from her. He realises what he's done, but can't say anything. He takes a deep drag on his cigarette followed by a swig of beer. Mackenzie continues to sob quietly. "Mac, I'm sorry. I'm trying, I really am. I guess I'm just... struggling to process this. I love you, but I don't know what I'm meant to do here."

Mackenzie sniffs a few times, struggling to speak through her tears. "How will this ever work, Will? We'll try and then you'll remember you're still angry with me, and then I'll cry and you'll get angry and then what? We do it over and over for the rest of our lives? That's not healthy, Will, for either of us. I meant it when I said to you that I would love you forever, but I don't know whether the suffering of trying to be with you is going to be greater than the suffering of continuing without you."

"Mac," Will starts, almost under his breath. "Don't say that. We need to keep trying; I'm going to my appointments with Habib, I'm trying. Please don't give up on me, Mackenzie. Not yet, anyway. I don't mean to hurt you, and I wish I hadn't been such an asshole and made you cry. But can we talk about... then? About when you were still in New York and I was in DC? I need to try and understand why you did what you did. However you phrase it, or have tried to explain it, that you didn't know you were in love with me yet, I can't reconcile that with you knowing I was in love with you. Because Mackenzie, you knew I was in love with you, from day one. So how? How could you do it? When you knew how much I loved you? I'd have done anything for you, and when you tell me I was perfect, it doesn't help. You think it makes me feel better when you tell me things like I was the man of any woman's dreams, but how do you expect me to believe that when you slept with your ex-boyfriend behind my back for four months? It just makes me feel worse, like the love I felt for you was meaningless. I just... I don't understand Mackenzie. I don't know that I'm ever going to get it."

Mackenzie leans forward on the chair, hands clasped on her lap. She looks down at them whilst she sniffles away her tears. Will allows the pregnant pause to fill the air. Mackenzie steels herself.

"I don't know how else to say this, Will. It wasn't about you. My being back with Brian, it was nothing to do with you, nor how I felt about you. You were perfect, and I'm not saying it to try and make yourself feel better. I need you to understand that I didn't think I deserved your love, nor the thoughtful flowers, or compliments, or even your attention. I'd been brutally rejected by Brian, and not just when he dumped me. He'd been rejecting me over and over for months, maybe even years when we broke up. Nothing I did was ever quite good enough for him. It was like he loved me despite who I was, not for who I was. And then he called and I thought it was an opportunity, you know, to..." Mackenzie breaks down in tears again. Will, overwhelmed, moves to sit next to Mackenzie, and places a comforting hand on her shoulder. She looks up at him, a little surprised, and manages to contain her sobs long enough to ask, "Can I have a cigarette?"

Will rubs her shoulder for a moment, and silently leans across to his cigarette pack and hands her one. He reaches into his shirt pocket and brings out a lighter, deftly lighting it and holding it out to her. Mackenzie takes a deep drag on the cigarette whilst she tries to gather herself. She takes a few more deep breaths before continuing. "It was an opportunity to show him how well I was doing, how I didn't need him. I know," she rolls her eyes and takes another drag. "I'm a walking fucking cliche. Anyway, it worked. It worked too well, and I saw an opportunity to have revenge on his rejection of me. I really thought I would do it once, and then tell him where to go."

Will stands up and starts pacing the balcony, hands on hips. "What did I do wrong, what did I not do, to make you want to do it? Or feel the need to do it?" Will's tone is searching, confused and pleading all at once.

"Will, there was nothing you could do. This was about me. It was about my weakness, my ego and my stupidity. We were long distance, we'd not been together long. You were disarming, I don't know that I believed you were in love with me. Or realized it, or, I don't know. But it didn't factor in to anything to do with Brian."

"But Mac, the emails you sent me. You made me believe I was the only person you were thinking about. Can you imagine how it felt when you told me that you were sleeping with another guy? And not just any other guy, the guy you told me was almost the devil incarnate. I felt SO stupid, Mac. You can't imagine how it felt."

"In daylight hours, Will, you were the only person I was thinking about. When I slept with Brian, I was thinking about me, and more specifically my ego. I don't know how else I can make you believe me, but it was."

Will stops and looks at her, propping one elbow on the edge of the balcony and his other hand in his pocket. His look is softer than it's been for some time. Mackenzie leans back momentarily in her chair and takes another drag of the cigarette. She flicks the ash and, feeling a little more confident, stands and walks towards Will. He takes the cigarette from her and pulls on it. He takes his other hand from his pocket and reaches for hers. "I'm trying to believe you, Mackenzie. I promise."

"Will, I love you. I can't imagine... not... being in love with you. And I want to get through this, but I can only put myself through the wringer if there's a chance it's going to work."

Mackenzie takes back the cigarette from Will and he places his free hand on her cheek, softly wiping away an errant tear.

"I think you should come with me to see Habib on Wednesday," he says. He leans forward and places a soft kiss on her lips. "Enough now. I'm sorry, I ruined our date and you didn't even get pizza. You wanna go out and grab an early dinner?"

Mackenzie steps back and drops her head, shaking it as she does so. "I don't think I've been very good company and nor would I be in a restaurant. I'm going to go home, and pull myself together a bit."

"Mac, no... please..."

"Will, I think it's for the best. I know it's a process, so let's call it a day and try again another time. If you want me to come and see Habib, if you think it would help, then I'll definitely be there."

Will droops his shoulders. "OK. Dinner tomorrow then? I'll try not to ruin it."

"You didn't ruin anything. I did - 6 years ago. Dinner tomorrow sounds... great."

Will leans forward and kisses Mackenzie on the cheek. "I'll pick you up at seven."

Mackenzie nods slightly, takes a final drag on the cigarette and puts it out as she wanders back inside. Will follows her and leans against the French window as he watches her head to the elevator. "Bye," he says softly.

She turns and offers him a small smile. "I'll see you tomorrow."

The elevator doors open and Mackenzie steps in. She turns around and waves as the doors close, and Will mopes his way to his couch, grabbing a guitar on the way. He half lays down, and strums for a while. He gets distracted by his phone, discarded on the coffee table, and places down the guitar to pick it up. He stares at the phone for what feels like hours, before unlocking it and going into his message box.

_We'll make it Mac, don't worry. The roller coaster has to be worth it for both of us. I love you. I'll take you somewhere special for dinner. W_

A few moments later his phone beeps.

_I hope we do. I don't know I'd cope with losing you again. See you tomorrow. M_

Will flings the phone down and sighs deeply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mac = born in 1970 = dog
> 
> Will = born in 1959 = pig
> 
> Because why not.
> 
> Also - if the angst is a bit much, here's my thought process. Bear in mind in canon it took Will all the way to November 2012 to get back together with Mackenzie, my take is that by her finding out only a year after coming back, he's still got a lot of battling to do. I don't see that if she had gotten the voicemail, it would have replicated essentially what happened in canon with the proposal, etc. Secondarily, if that were the case, what kind of story would I have?! But anyway, I hope you agree and can see that this is a narrative that stays true to these two characters.


End file.
